Self-Worth: How Childhood Shapes It—and How to Reclaim It as an Adult
As a therapist, one of the most common themes I encounter in my work is self-worth—how we value ourselves, how we treat ourselves, and how we believe others should treat us. Many people struggle with low self-worth without fully understanding where it stems from. Often, the roots lie deep in our childhood experiences. The good news? Self-worth isn't fixed. We can rebuild it, redefine it, and grow into a version of ourselves that feels confident, worthy, and whole.
How Childhood Shapes Self-Worth
From the earliest moments of life, children look to their caregivers for cues about their value and place in the world. When caregivers respond with love, validation, and consistency, children begin to internalize the belief that they are worthy of care and respect. However, when those responses are inconsistent, critical, neglectful, or abusive, a different message begins to take root: “I’m not good enough,” “I don’t matter,” or “Something must be wrong with me.”
Here are a few key childhood influences on self-worth:
Attachment Patterns: Secure attachment fosters a sense of safety and self-assurance. Insecure attachments (anxious, avoidant, disorganized) can lead to feelings of unworthiness or fear of abandonment.
Praise vs. Criticism: Frequent criticism or conditional love teaches a child that their value depends on achievement or approval, not who they are.
Emotional Validation: When children are told their feelings are “too much” or wrong, they may learn to invalidate themselves.
Family Dynamics: Growing up in an environment with addiction, mental illness, high conflict, or emotional unavailability can deeply distort a child’s sense of self.
Understanding these dynamics is not about blaming our parents—it’s about making sense of our inner world so we can change it.
Growing Self-Worth as an Adult
If your self-worth feels shaky, the path to healing may feel long—but it is absolutely possible. Here are some ways to begin building a healthier relationship with yourself:
1. Awareness Is the First Step
Start by identifying the beliefs you hold about yourself. Are you your own harshest critic? Do you downplay your accomplishments? Ask yourself where those voices came from. Were they modeled by a parent? A teacher? A peer?
2. Reparent Yourself
Give yourself the love, patience, and validation you may not have received. This can look like:
Speaking to yourself with compassion.
Meeting your needs consistently.
Setting healthy boundaries.
Imagine how a loving parent would care for a child—and extend that same kindness to yourself.
3. Challenge Old Narratives
When you catch yourself thinking “I’m not enough” or “I always mess things up,” pause. Ask: Is this true? Is this thought serving me? Then gently reframe it. “I’m learning,” “I made a mistake, but that doesn’t define me,” or simply, “I am doing my best.”
4. Surround Yourself with Affirming People
Relationships can be reparative. Seek out friendships, mentors, or communities that reflect your value and treat you with respect. Being seen and accepted for who you are can help rewrite the story you’ve carried for so long.
5. Therapy Can Help
Sometimes the wounds of the past are too deep to navigate alone. Working with a therapist can help you unpack those experiences, heal from them, and grow new tools for self-worth. Therapy is not about fixing you—it’s about helping you realize you were never broken to begin with.
Final Thoughts
Self-worth isn’t something we earn—it’s something we uncover. It may have been buried under years of criticism or neglect, but it’s still there. With time, patience, and care, you can reconnect with that inner sense of value. And as you do, you’ll find that your relationships, decisions, and overall well-being begin to shift in powerful ways.
You are worthy. Not because of what you do, or what others say—but because you exist.